My escape before surgery 

It was essential in the days leading upto surgery that I kept myself occupied. I could not do too much however we managed to get out for an hour here and there in the wheelchair which was heaven. 
A place we soon discovered was ‘ the waterfront’ which on first visiting instantly became my “go to” place. I found myself gravitating to the steps which led into the water where the ducks would gather. Just to be able to be outside, hear the relaxing sound of the water and ducks splashing was truly heavenly, it often brought a tear to my eye as I really took my surroundings in. It became my all time favourite place and I found myself very relaxed when there. I would sit and just watch the water whilst listening to music. It was so peaceful it gave me the time needed to think about the surgery, the journey ahead and reflect on the journey so far. 
My head felt cluttered regarding the surgery. Most people go into surgery and ultimately come out cured or significantly better. The main aim of this surgery was to save my life, stop my neck from dislocating, stop the artery and brainstem from being compressed. Ultimately saving my life and enabling me to move again without risk of falling over and causing paralysis. Stop the symptoms in there tracks before they became even more disabling and serious. Having the neck brace as a tool when needed instead of it being a necessity. Any symptom improvement was always going to be a bonus from the long term damage already done and the recovery was going to be mammoth over the course of 12 months plus. There were fears of getting through the surgery safely especially with it being in such a crucial part of the body to developing further instability in my spine over the course of my life to the day I’ll be weaned off the brace and have to learn to do quite basic things again with little head/neck movement. We all in life want a quick fix, myself included and sadly this wasn’t going to be that. I had so many day dreams of waking up ‘cured’ and symptom free, I dreamt of doing everything I had missed out on over the course of many years but I also had to bring myself back down to earth and remember I had EDS, dysautonomia and other health issues that sadly weren’t going away. On the other hand I also wanted the opportunity to live and be able to fight those illnesses as best I could. I wanted a chance at a life again. 
Two days before surgery I sat by the water reflecting on the past two years from the loss of my job, becoming virtually housebound and thinking how much I had lost. I do find it too painful to talk in great detail about this as it’s all very raw. I then as always counteracted those thoughts with the hundreds upon hundreds of people who came together and supported my campaign, the amazing fundraisers, hard work of friends, colleagues and people I had never even met before. Receiving the warmest messages of love and encouragement that pulled me through some very dark days. Human kindness at its finest. 
I started to become mentally focused, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry, panic and have 101 fears running through my mind but strangely at the same time they were accompanied by an air of peace and rationale. I was ready for this surgery and the chance to move forward with a secure head and neck!!! 
It’s very important to me to have an escape, often over the course of the last few years it’s been my music I’ve fallen into or imagining going to various places in my mind and almost getting lost there. I was so fortunate to find this beautiful place that at times made me feel like Ali again, it gave me such comfort and peace to enable me think. It’s a place that will be etched in my memory forever. 

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